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Home > Fan Fiction > General > Covenant NC-17
Covenant NC-17
Covenant
by Rhondda Lake
(part 1/5)
There's no time for us,
There's no place for us,
What is this thing that builds our dreams
Then slips away from us?
Who wants to live forever?
---------------------------------------------
The car door slammed closed. "I can't do this anymore, Mulder."
The driver turned to look at the woman currently buckling her seat belt. "I
said I was sorry."
"You're always sorry, Mulder. After the fact. But that doesn't keep you from
running off on the wildest of fucking goose chases without so much as a word
to me. I'm supposed to watch your back. I can't do that if I don't know
where the hell your back is. I can't take you ditching me anymore."
Mulder pulled out of the police station parking lot. "I ditch you because I
don't want you to get hurt. Because you ARE my backup, and I need to know
you're there to pull me out if I get caught. Like last night." His tone and
his posture were defensive. They had had arguments about this before, but
for some reason Scully's tone struck him as different. More... ominous.
Maybe it was the fact that Scully was swearing. She only swore when she was
truly upset and couldn't find any other outlet for her emotions.
"I can't take another two a.m. call asking me to come get you out of jail...
what if the next call is from the morgue? I can't do it, Mulder. This is it.
I've placed all my trust in you, but you obviously don't trust me as much as
you claim to." Dana Scully didn't sound so much angry as hopelessly sad and
disappointed.
"That's not true." He drove up the entrance ramp to the highway. "I trust
you more than anyone. More than myself."
"You think you do, but you don't. If you trusted me you'd tell me where you
were going and why. You'd trust me to come with you. It isn't trust you
feel, it's dependence. I'm there, but only when it's convenient to you." Her
voice was tight and her eyes were bright with tears she refused to allow to
fall. "I can't be your fucking tissue anymore. I can't handle this, being
used then tossed aside. This was the last goddamn time."
Mulder took a deep breath. He honestly hadn't realized she'd seen it like
that. "I don't use you, Scully. If you feel like this... why'd you come?
Why'd you bail me out?" Please don't let this be leading where it felt like
it was. He was a screw up, he knew that. But he didn't know if he could
handle fucking up this relationship. Not true. He knew damn well he
couldn't. Life without Scully was no life at all.
She sighed. A small, tired sound. "Why do I do it? Because if you're
dependent then I'm co-dependent. I just realized on the drive up here that I
have to break the cycle. It isn't healthy, for either of us."
"Would it help if I promised never to ditch you again?" Mulder divided his
attention between her and the road.
"Not really. You'd mean it as you made the promise, but for a man with a
photographic memory you have convenient lapses. You'd forget you'd made the
promise when the next dead end lead came around. You'd forget until you were
half way to God-knows-where doing God-knows-what and then decide not to
upset me by calling and telling me I'd been ditched again."
Mulder felt his own anger rising. "You have it all figured out, don't you?"
he spat.
"I know you too well. And sometimes that frightens me." She turned from him,
looking out the window at the blur of passing scenery.
"So... what? Are you asking for a transfer?" Mulder gripped the wheel,
feeling it dig into his palms. Please no, he silently willed. This can't be
happening. He was doing it again. Screwing up. Losing her again. And this
time he had no one to blame but himself.
"I don't know. The X-Files have become my life as well, Mulder. I've
dedicated everything to our work. I've lost so much to it. I don't know. Do
I need a change? Do I need to get out now when there's still a slight chance
I can? CAN I allow myself to get out? I don't know. But I do know I can't
handle you running off into the sunset anymore." She was looking at her
hands folded daintily into her lap. She sounded... tired. Defeated. Alone.
"I promise I won't ditch you anymore, Scully. I know you don't trust that,"
he spat angrily, "but I promise. Can't you at least give me a chance?"
She looked up at him, her eyes demanding his attention. "I don't know. Can I?"
XXX
THREE MONTHS LATER
9:05 PM
The soft clicking of the needles was the only sound in the room. A steady
rhythm of sound and flashes of movement that wove a pattern of the sea green
yarn.
Angie Hagenboum stopped the needles when she saw she had a visitor.
"Hello. Oh my, looks like you've had a bad day." She went back to her
knitting, but focused half her attention on the young man before her. He was
very handsome. Tall and athletic. His dove gray suit was immaculately
pressed, and his tie was enough to make her dizzy. He also looked
completely, miserably depressed.
"You could say that." He sighed and sat in the Victorian chair beside hers.
"She still won't talk to me, or acknowledge I exist."
Angie nodded. "It's hard for her too, Fox. These things take time.
Persistence is the key."
Angie had gotten to know Fox Mulder better in the past two months. She knew
him for the longest time only as 'Dana's young man'. She'd seen him coming
and going from her neighbor's apartment at the oddest hours. But recent
events being what they were... well, Fox needed a friend. Having nowhere
else to turn, she'd invited him in.
"Mom, who're you talking to?" The voice came from the next room. Angie's
daughter, Donna. Angie had to live with Donna since the younger woman became
convinced she could no longer care for herself.
"Dana's young man, dear. Nothing to fret about."
There was a silent moment. "Ooookay, mom. I thought you were talking to Dad
again."
"No, he is running an errand. I'll tell him you asked about him though."
Angie looked sadly at Fox. The young man had winced at Donna's innocent
questions.
"Sometimes they never give in, do they?"
Angie sighed. "No. Sometimes they don't. But I think your Dana will. She's
aware of more than she wants to admit. I think you'll eventually get through
to her."
"She's having trouble, Mrs. Hagenboum. She's in pain. This is hurting her
more then I ever dreamed it would. It... it hurts to see her like this."
The old woman nodded sagely. It appeared as if each deep line on her face
marked a point of wisdom she'd gained. "I know it does. Did you ever think
you might be making things worse? Maybe you should just let things be."
He shook his head. "I can't. I can't let it end like this." Mulder ran a
hand through his hair.
Three months ago he'd never have dreamed of sharing so much of himself with
anyone. Especially Scully's eighty-three year old neighbor. But times
changed, and everyone needed someone to talk to eventually.
"But... it has ended. It's your own stubborn nature that won't let it rest."
Mulder laughed. "Is that what you tell your husband?"
"George has been stubborn from the day I met him." Angie's eyes twinkled.
"It was half the attraction."
"Mom?" Donna appeared in the doorway of the living room. "I'm gonna go down
to the store and pick up some bread and milk. Will you be ok here alone?"
Angie smiled sweetly at her daughter. "Of course I will, darling."
Donna sighed. The Alzheimers hadn't noticeably advanced, but her mother
still suffered from it. Unable to live in the present. In her confusion she
often made things up. It was only a short trip. Twenty minutes at the most.
Donna decided her mother was well enough to trust alone for that long.
XXX
11:32 PM
Dana tossed in her bed. Under her lids her eyes moved rapidly.
//"I promise."
Pain. Unbearable agony ripping through her. Her body a mass of torment, her
soul torn apart. NO! Nonononononono!
"Hold on. Breath. Fight." The voice, Mulder's voice, in her ears or in her
head. "Hang on. I promise. You're going to make it."
"I promise I won't ditch you anymore, Scully. I know you don't trust that,"
he spat angrily, "but I promise. Can't you at least give me a chance?"
She looked up at him, her eyes demanding his attention. "I don't know. Can I?"//
She whimpered into the darkness. Dreaming. Remembering. Unable to tell where
one ended and the other began. It didn't matter. Dream or memory, it was
still a nightmare.
//"I promise I won't ditch you anymore, Scully. I know you don't trust
that," he spat angrily, "but I promise. Can't you at least give me a chance?"
She looked up at him, her eyes demanding his attention. "I don't know. Can I?"
"Yes. I swear. I won't ditch you again."
Scully wasn't sure if she could believe it. Should she give him one more chance?
She sighed and looked out the windshield.//
She moaned and tossed against the sheets. Her hands grasping at the
emptiness. Trying to hold back time. Hold back the past. Hold back the
inevitable.
//She sighed and looked out the windshield. The truck in the other lane was
cutting ahead of them. They weren't slowing down. Her peripheral vision
detected Mulder still focusing on her.
"MULDER, LOOK OUT!"
Pain. Unbearable agony ripping through her. Her body a mass of torment, her
soul torn apart. NO! Nonononononono!
"Hold on. Breath. Fight." The voice, Mulder's voice, in her ears or in her
head. "Hang on. I Promise. You're going to make it."
"I promise I won't ditch you anymore Scully. I know you don't trust that."
He spat angrily, "but I promise. Can't you at least give me a chance?"//
She sat bolt upright in her bed, biting back a scream.
She felt the cold, sticky sweat on her body and shivered against it.
Carefully she swung her legs out of the bed.
She'd only been out of the casts for three weeks. Her strength was
returning, though. She could walk. She could breathe. Her punctured lung was
just a painful memory and a disfiguring scar from emergency surgery. The
doctors told her she'd make a full recovery, and she had. Physically.
He'd left her. That son of a bitch left her after the accident. He'd
promised, he'd sworn to her he wouldn't leave her again. So what did he do?
He turned right around and left. And it hurt. A great ripping hole torn
through her heart. He'd shredded her emotions to confetti and tossed them to
the wind. Half of her cursed him for a coward, even as the other half howled
combined rage and desolation.
She started back at work tomorrow. To face the looks. The pity. The pain.
The empty office. It was hers alone now.
She clutched her pillow to her chest and let the tears come. In the dark. In
private. Where no one could see them.
There's no chance for us,
It's all decided for us,
This world has only one sweet moment
Set aside for us.
Who wants to live forever?
Who dares to love forever...
When love must die?
-------------------------------------------
THE FOLLOWING MORNING
8:03 A.M.
Dana Scully walked into the J. Edgar Hoover building with her head held
high, and her heart about even with her toes.
Her mother had called her in the morning to try and talk her out of going
in. To give herself more time.
There would never be time enough.
She ignored the looks, the eyes that followed her. She felt her stomach turn
to lead, however, when Agent Henderson walked up to her with a long face.
"Agent Scully... I am so sorry..."
"Thank you. I'm fine." Her answer was automatic and it was all she could do
to not shove the other woman aside and flee to the sanctuary of the
basement. If it was a sanctuary.
Her heels clicked against the floor as she strode further down the hall.
She should have known luck was against her. If there was such a thing as
fate, she was now the focus of its cruelty.
"Agent Scully, can I see you for a moment?"
AD Skinner's voice ripped through the walls of iron she was erecting to
shield herself.
Not him. She could handle anyone but him. Because she trusted him. Mulder
had trusted him. Confidences were given and taken.
She turned to face him and nodded. He held the door to his reception area
open for her. She proceeded him into his empty office.
"Please, have a seat."
She sat in the chair she usually occupied. She was almost surprised not to
see Mulder occupying the other seat. She looked at it, the empty chair, for
three full seconds before directing her full attention on Skinner.
He hadn't missed it.
"I'm not so sure this isn't too soon. Agent Scully, you've just suffered a
terrible..."
"I know what I've suffered, sir. I also know what I need. I need to return
to work. To carry on. I need to continue. If I don't... I'll just stop." She
shook her head, holding it in. Keeping it locked down. "Do you know that if
a shark stops swimming, it drowns? I have become a shark. I have to pursue
M... Mulder's goals. If I don't... there is nothing left. It will have
become the last failure. The final letdown. I cannot let him down again."
Skinner leaned forward, his hands together on his desk. This wasn't any
easier on him. "Scully, I do not believe you ever let Agent Mulder down."
"Excuse me, sir," she stood and turned to leave, "but the chair is empty."
"And that's not your fault. There is nothing you could have done to prevent
that. I admire your persistence, Agent Scully. But don't forget yourself.
Don't become Mulder. It would serve no purpose."
The elevator was comfortingly empty.
She hesitated at the office door. Her fingers traced the nameplate. She was
glad it hadn't been removed yet. Taking a deep breath, anticipating the
pain, she unlocked the door and stepped inside.
She flipped on the light switch and crossed the short distance to the desk.
His desk. Her's now. With exaggerated care she sat in the worn seat. She
turned, her eyes taking it all in as if for the first time.
This had been his domain. Now she could do with it as she pleased. Maybe
take out some of her anger by actually alphabetizing his atrocious filing
system, or putting some of the stacks of files in some order, or even
organize the books in here. He had been able to get up and find a book or
reference from any of the piled junk accumulated on any and all flat
surfaces. She didn't have the blessing of his photographic memory.
*No one down here but the FBI's most unwanted.*
*Actually I'm looking forward to working with you.*
*Do you believe in the existence of extraterrestrials?*
Her eyes focused on that damned poster. I WANT TO BELIEVE.
The tears began to flow, silently. She cursed her own weakness. "I don't
want to believe, Mulder. Not this."
*
Fox Mulder watched her enter the office. She looked stiff, stoic, patently
false.
He reached out for her, but as always, in the last three months he couldn't
touch her. He wanted to offer comfort.
"Come on, Scully. I'm still here. Look at me. I'm right here. I promised I
wouldn't ditch you."
She didn't even look up. Her silent tears tore at his heart. She was so
strong. He'd rarely seen her cry. That the tears were for him was unbearable.
"I'm right here." His voice broke and he backed away.
This was torture. She wouldn't see him. She chose not to, and it hurt. Her
disbelief had indeed come between them at last. He'd done his half. More. He
was here. He refused to leave. But she was refusing him, refusing to see
him. Refusing to believe he could have kept his promise. Extreme
possibilities. She wasn't open to this one. It was a betrayal.
She was destroying them. Her unwillingness to trust her heart, the bond
between them... HIM. She didn't trust HIM to be here.
"Right here." He backed toward the door, and acknowledging the coward within
himself, he fled.
*
*Right here.* The words were a whisper. A memory? It was Mulder's voice.
Scully sniffed and wiped at her eyes. Auditory hallucinations, no doubt
brought on by stress. It was almost to be expected that she'd think she
heard him here. Here more than his apartment. Here, where his essence was.
When she'd walked in, she even thought she could feel his presence. That if
she just turned around fast enough he'd be standing right there. If she gave
into that irrationality she'd spin around like a dervish, seeking oblivion
to catch a glimpse.
But he wasn't here. He hadn't spoken. Fox Mulder would never speak to her
again. She lost herself in the memory.
XXX
THREE MONTHS PRIOR
"I promise I won't ditch you anymore, Scully. I know you don't trust that,"
he spat angrily, "but I promise. Can't you at least give me a chance?"
She looked up at him, her eyes demanding his attention. "I don't know. Can I?"
"Yes. I swear. I won't ditch you again."
Scully wasn't sure if she could believe it. Should she give him one more chance?
She sighed and looked out the windshield. The truck in the other lane was
cutting ahead of them. They weren't slowing down. Her peripheral vision
detected Mulder still focusing on her.
"MULDER, LOOK OUT!"
Pain. Unbearable agony ripping through her. Her body a mass of torment, her
soul torn apart. NO! Nonononononono! She was falling... falling...
She couldn't breathe. One side of her chest felt heavy. Blood was clouding
her vision and agony ripped up her legs, her chest. Legs broken, she
realized. Couldn't breathe. Collapsed lung? Puncture? Mulder! Where was Mulder?
"Hold on. Breath. Fight." The voice, Mulder's voice, in her ears or in her
head. "Hang on. I promise. You're going to make it."
There he was. OK. She'd hold on. She could trust him. He made a promise.
He'd keep it. All of them. She'd give him another chance. Didn't she always?
Her biggest weakness was Fox Mulder. I'm just a girl who can't say no... she
mentally sang to herself. She'd forgive him. She already had. She'd tell
him...once the darkness went away.
She awoke in an ICU. She gagged on the tube down her throat. A nurse was
there instantly. Nurses and doctors poked and prodded. They removed the
tube, but Scully let consciousness leave her again.
The second time she awoke she saw her mother sitting next to her, holding
her hand.
"Mom?" Was that her voice? So thin and weak.
"I'm here, Dana. You had quite an accident." Maggie Scully tried to smile,
but failed.
"How bad?"
"You were in surgery for three hours. You broke three ribs and one had
punctured your left lung. Both of your legs are broken. But they have you on
codeine. I bet you're not feeling much pain."
"No..." Her throat was sore, ragged. The tube most likely scraped it raw.
"How's Mulder?"
Her mother's face froze, and Dana saw the shine of unshed tears. "Rest now,
honey. The doctor said you need your rest."
"Mom?"
"Later. Just rest now."
The codeine carried her away. When she awoke next it was to face her mother
and a doctor.
"Mom... I have to know. Where's Mulder? He must be in pretty bad shape if
you keep avoiding me."
Her mother folded her hands under her chin, as if in prayer, and closed her
eyes. The doctor stepped forward.
"Miss Scully, the driver of the car you were in... Mr. Mulder... was killed
on impact. Your car hit an eighteen wheeler. I can promise you... he didn't
suffer. He most likely never even felt it."
No! Nononononononono. It was a lie. It was a trick. It was a twisted joke.
He couldn't be dead. Not from something as stupid, as prosaic as a car
accident. It was laughable. She wanted to cry. She did.
Her last words to him had been in anger. An argument. Oh God. It had been
the argument that had distracted him. She had killed him.
She'd been in and out of consciousness for five days. She never even got to
attend his funeral.
In mere seconds, her world lost its focus. She was torn in half. Half of
herself was missing. It was this. The soul deep feeling of loss. The very
absence of... something... that allowed to know and accept the truth. Fox
Mulder was dead. How could she go on living?
It was fitting she had missed his funeral. She'd been his killer. His
executioner. Could she look his mother in the face and offer her
condolences? No. Not when she was the one to put him in the ground. She'd
done the job she'd been sent to do without intention.